Just once.

Just once I would like to actually matter to someone. I'm tired of consistently being proven that im not good enough. I dislike that fact I let people matter to me so much, just to have them walk away. I just want one person to stay. STAY. Not leave, and then come back like everyone else, like my dad, like tarry, like Natalie, and everyone else. In any situation, relationship, friendship what ever, I just want someone to stay no matter how hard it is. Just stay. Why am I always the one being left? What is it about me that makes people leave?

Days Like This

I wish I didnt have them. Not neccessarily the DAY. Because they day was great, I wish the feelings would go away.

I used to tell myself that being by myself would be easier, because I couldn't get hurt that way. But i don't know who I was trying to kid.

I'm trying to be okay. I don't want you to see me broken. I don't want anyone to see me broken. I just. I don't know what to do. I don't know who to be, for anyone. I can glue this smile on my face for the world to see, but when no ones looking... I feel like this.

I feel. Alone. And that's so stupid because I know I'm not. I have more people in my life than I have ever had, but I feel like i'm losing you. Even though you're asleep in my room.

I can't talk to you anymore. Because I know it bothers you when I talk to you, especially about her. I'm sorry that I like her so much, and I can't like you.

I wish things were different. I wish I wasn't different. I wish I didn't care so much about people who don't even give a fuck about me. I'm sorry. To you, and to me.

I don't like having emotions. I don't like liking you so much when I know i'm just chasing pavements.

I just want to be numb again. I want all of this to go away. I just want my friends back. Because no matter how we try to play this, the two of you aren't my friends anymore. I wish I didn't know so much.

I wish that wishes came true...

Awesome. 3.

I wish things were different. I wish I could have who I wanted and I wish that the people who want me, wouldn't. There are 3 of you in mind. #1 I really just need you to stop. I need you to leave me alone. I need you to realize that you are being selfish, I wish you would see that I am finally happy. Just stop fighting for me. I hate that I'm hurting you. Just be who you were when you left me. Don't care about me. #2 I love you. So much. Just not the way that you love me. You are my best friend, you're perfect. You know me better than anyone. You are the person i am most afraid of losing. I'm sorry I can't reciprocate the feeling you have for me. I'm sorry for who i am. I'm sorry for not being able to be in love with you when I know I should be. I know you want to make me happy, but we can't have a relationship for several reasons. One of which I cannot change, and you have no idea how i wish i could. And finally #3 I think about you more than i want to. And this isn't recent. I used to wonder what things would be like if this happened, and now that it has, I'm trying very hard not to get disappointed. You remind me, so much, of #1 and that makes me dislike this situation. But there is something about you that I just... Idk. I'm trying really hard to stay neutral in this situation because I don't know what the fuck you want from me. I have a strong feeling that you're just using me. You don't have feelings for me. You just want the experience. I can do that if I knew that's all you wanted, but then you say something that completely changes that. Just tell me what to do. Someone tell me what to do. Someone help me stop caring so much. All of you. #1 , #2 , and #3. What exactly do you all want from me? Please just fucking tell me.