Normal.

I want a normal relationship. I want someone I can see on the weekends, and spend time with after classes. Someone who will come visit me at work, and help me study. I want someone whose house I can go to when I don't want to be at mine. I want someone I can date, and make plans to eventually move in with, without it involving me to move across the country or overseas. I want to date someone who lives in the same town as me. It's been a year since you've been here, and in that year you've only been able to start coming home since May, That's nine months of a visit every now and then. I just want to date someone I can see, and someone who will tell me they miss me, and I can just go over to their house to see them so they won't miss me anymore. And more than anything, I want to have a relationship with someone where we don't rely on our goddamn cell phones. I want a normal college relationship. I want an apartment with you, I want to cook for you, rent movies with you, I want to sleep next to you, I want to wake up and see you. I want to kiss you good morning, and goodbye knowing that it's only for a few hours, not for a possible few months. I love you, but I hate this. I hate that we can never have that, I mean I guess we can, in another country, but I'm only 18. Do I really want to live overseas? Do I really want to learn another language? Am I even capable of that?

For now, I am going to be okay with you not being here, I've kind of gotten used to it. And we only live once right? I'm a photographer, it would be an awesome experience to spend my time in Italy or someplace just taking pictures. How many people can say that they lived in Italy for a year or two?

What am I going to do? I don't know, but in a year if we're still together, I know I'm going to have to say goodbye to a lot of people, and learn a new language. And if that doesn't show you that I love you, I don't know what will. You think you've given up things for me, but can you not see what I have given up for you? I could date someone here, and have everything I want. I could live with them, and spend time at their house. But I don't want them. I want you.

I wish we would forget all of the reasons why we won't work, and just start believing the one reason why it will.

Dear Papa,

It's been almost a year now. We've taken it pretty well, but there are still some things I just can't take. I took the quilt that you and Grandma gave me off my bed, I don't wear your shirts to bed anymore. I can't smell old spice without crying. I miss you. Making your memorial video was the hardest things I've ever had to do. There is this old man I see driving a bronco every morning on my way to class and I swear, he looks just like you Papa. The first day I saw him, I had to pull over because I was crying so hard I couldn't see. I feel like you send me little reminders all the time to remind me that you're still here, like you told me you would be. Little reminders telling me you love me. Do you love me still? If there is a heaven, and if that's where you are, can you see who I am now? Can you see how different I am? Do you still love me despite the chocies I've made for my life? Can dead people still love? If you're up there, and you see me for who I really am, and not who my mom tells people I am, Do you accept me?

Friend.

Dear friend,

I'm rather dissapointed in our friendship, and to be completely honest, in you. I decided a few days ago that i'm not going to try with you anymore, I have better things to do with my life, and it's exponentially obvious that you do to. I didn't expect to be you're only friend, but I didn't expect to try so hard to be your friend either. So i'm done. With you, and with us, whatever we were. I sincerely hope you have a good life, and I really hope you understand that I will not be a part of it anymore. I'm moving next year, out of state, out of the country actually so have funb being stuck here when everyone else leaves you too.

All my love,
Bailey.