More than you know

I wrote this about you a few months ago....

"More than you'll ever know.

When I sit next to you, I feel like me. And i’m happy.

When you’re not around, I feel…empty. And I miss you.

I don’t know what this is, whatever it is that we are, but I can’t lose it… I can’t lose you.

You’re literally the only person I have ever fully trusted. You know me better than anyone, no matter how cliche that sounds.

In a backwards way,and it’s not in the context you wish it would be, but you have my heart. You are my best friend, and I love you. More than you’ll ever know.

There are so many reasons why you’re only my best friend. A lot of them we have discussed.

But it comes down to just one, I can’t lose you. Because if I lose you, I lose me.

#best friend #im sorry"

Disappointment

What happened to you?

You were so strong, you had come so far, so fast.

And now its all gone.

There are so many reasons why i'm upset with you...

Mostly, because you left... Again.

You were supposed to stay.

I let you back in, because you were going to stay.

You saved my life, you made me happy again. And now this?

Is it me? Is it my fault? Why do people keep leaving me?

I'm so sorry, for not being able to change what I am. I'm sorry that I cant be with you

I know it hurt you everyday.

The one thing we tried to prevent. Happened.

We couldn't be together for more than one reason, one was because I couldn't lose you...

And yet, the one thing I tried so hard to prevent, was inevitable.

I knew it, deep down from the beginning, I was going to give everything to you, and you were going to leave.

You're just like everyone else.

I trusted you, I loved you, I would've done anything for you...

God dammit, I let you in. i let you see me.

I don't do that. I don't get close to people.

I don't open up, because fuck, this always happens...

It never fails. Everyone I've ever loved, or trusted or needed...left

I needed you to stay. I needed you to prove to me, I could trust someone again.

I'm disappointed in you, but i'm also disappointed in me, for knowing better.

I keep trying to give myself hope by telling myself "oh, maybe they'll be the one to stay"

But no one ever is.

What's wrong with me?

Why cant anyone just fucking stay.

Dream

I tell everyone I don't remember my dreams. But i dont know how much of that is true.

My mind has a tendency to block out things it isnt very fond of...

I can barely remember stuff from school, even high school. I have a really hard time remembering things. Especially the negative things.

Can I not remember my dreams because I dream of things I want, things that make me sad?

Am I protecting myself by forgetting my dreams?

Actually.

I feel so alone, all the time.

I have friends, great friends. But they don’t feel the same anymore. Nothing feels the same anymore.

I have good times, I do crazy things, and I have awesome stories that I can tell.

But, I’m empty. I have no internal emotions. I’m not happy anymore. I’m just on auto pilot.

I keep telling myself I’m fine, and this is normal and it’ll go away, but I’m kinda afraid I’m really fucked up.

Alone

im not particularly lonely, but i am alone in a way that i cant stand.

Float

Sometimes when I space out, and stop paying attention to whatever it is I'm doing, it's physically difficult for me to come "back down"

I literally get the feeling that my head is floating- like a helium balloon after a few days.
It spins, and goes through so many different thoughts, and i have to concentrate really hard in order to bring my attention back to where it should be.

The fuck is that?

That Day.

I keep telling myself that one day I'm going to wake up and I'm going to be okay, that I'll be happy again, that this numbing pain will finally go away.

I keep telling myself 'the day will come.'

But I keep waking up, and I keep getting disappointed because it's never that day.

And I'm starting to think, it's never going to be that day.