I went to church today, and the band played a song that actually, made me cry. I cry every once in a while at church, im not sure if its the actual sermons, or the things on my mind at the time. But its a space where i can cry in front of people, and show them me, at my weakest point, and none of them ask whats wrong. They all just assume that "Im getting closer to God"
The song was "Alive Again" By Matt Maher. I've heard this song almost every sunday. The band always plays it. But for some reason, today, i wanted to feel what Matt felt when he wrote it.
I wake up in darkness, and to reality losing its grip on me, but noone saves me from it, like they saved Matt.
Basically, i miss the relationship i used to have with God. If you knew me 2nd-9th grade, i probably preached to you at some point. Because i was a strong believer. And i pushed my views on everyone who would listen. I was even going to go to school to become a youth minister. I was secure in my faith.
Or So I Thought.
I went through some personal conflicts that diminsihed my relationship to God. And this song, brought al of that crashing down on me today. But i'm not too sure on how to get it back. I'm not entirely sure that i want it all back. I like who i am, but the person i used to be, would hate who i am now. Maybe i'll start fighting harder, and asking, BEGGING for forgiveness. Or maybe, i wont. Depends on what shit he throws at me. But despite it all, I love him, with everything i have, and everything i am. And i pray everynight that that'll be enough.
I woke up in darkness
Surrounded by silence
Oh where, oh where have I gone?
I woke to reality Losing its grip on me
Oh where, where have I gone?
'Cause I can see the light
Before I see the sunrise
You called and You shouted
Broke through my deafness
Now I'm breathing in and breathing out
I'm alive again
You shattered my darkness
Washed away my blindness
Now I'm breathing in and breathing out
I'm alive again
Late have I loved You
You waited for me, I searched for You
What took me so long?
I was looking outside
As if Love would ever want to hide
I'm finding I was wrong
'Cause I feel the wind
Before it hits my skin
'Cause I want You,
Yes I want You I need You, and I'll do
Whatever I have to just to get through
'Cause I love You,
Yeah I love You
