Lisa.

Lisa,

It has taken me so long to respond to you because at the time I received your message about my sexual orientation, I couldn't find a way to say anything to you without being disrespectful, or impolite. I apologize in advance if anything in this message offends you. And I hope you understand that this will more than likely be the last time I ever contact, or speak to you in any matter.

I appreciate your concern about my "well-being" Lisa, but how dare you come into my life and snoop through my facebook page to either confirm or deny a certain inquiry of yours, that in all honesty is absolutely none of your business.I quit attending The Church of Christ for personal reasons, that I feel I should not have to share with you, or anyone else who attends that church for that matter. I departed from the congregation because I simply felt uncomfortable there. Even though your so-called family is supposed to love each other unconditionally. Right?

Well you can lecture me, and give me quotes from the bible all you want, I promise you, I have heard it al before. I have heard worse and felt worse than anything you could possibly imagine.

In the bible Lisa, Homosexuality is reffered to as an abomination, and the word 'Abomination' Is only ever used to express a ritual wrong, it is never used in accordance with something innately immoral.

"Thou Shalt Not Lie With Mankind, As WIth Womankind: It Is An Abomination" (Leviticus 18:22, KJV)

With all due respect Lisa, and I really do mean that, I never asked you to accept me. I never asked you to understand. "Woundedness, and Brokenness" As you put it, did not confuse me, no-one and nothing turned me this way.

I accepted your friend request, as well as Ray's, under the impresion private matters would stay private. And that we could act like adults. I do not particularly care about the choices you have made for you life. You have a life with your husband, you are happy, you love him.

So again, How Dare You, try to deny me of that same thing. My fiance and I have been called things, and been looked at in ways that can cause people to want to end their own lives Lisa. To commit the ultimate, unforgivable sin. I am in love with someone, and I do not care in the slightest, if you or anyone else approves. I have my family and no matter what you say, God loves me. No matter how disgusted you are in my so-called "Lifestyle Choice" This is who I am. I am attracted to females. I always have been, ever since the day you met me. Don't worry being gay is not contagious, so you dont have to wash your hands. My only hope for you Lisa, is that in the future, you open your eyes, and take a step into the 21st century. "The Gays" are everywhere. And all we want is for people like you, to stop with your judgements, and your looks, and your pathetic names for us.

We have struggles greater than you will ever know, and if this sin is a choice like you seem to believe it is, Why wouldn't we choose the easy way out? The life where we wouln't get ridiculed for simply loving someone. I have been bullied since I was in grade school because I was different. I have a scar on my forehead because a boy who thought I was weird threw a rock at me at the bus stop, although it did not require stitches, it wasn't just my forehead it scarred, Everyday I look in the mirror, I am distinctly reminded that people who don't even know me, hate me, and that no matter what I do, I will always have that reminder that I cannot hide, that to me says "Your different" Did you get rocks thrown at you? Or pushed down in the hallways? How about the name calling? Did you ever go home and look up on the internet the words that kids at school called you because you were to embarassed to ask your family, in case you really were a freak. What if they didn't want to love you anymore because of what the kids at school call you?

How dare you assume you know everything about me, and basically tell me I am going to hell. How dare you sit at that computer and type the words I have heard since I was seven. No matter what you say, or how you say it, you are always saying the same thing. "You're a freak, You're different, You disgust me." I really hope you realize you cannot change me. If I was going to change Lisa, It would've been the day that rock hit me, and the blood was so thick running down my face that I couldn't see,The day I couldn't even ask for help, because I was to embarrassed, because I Was A Freak.

If the way I live my life, makes you sick, consider the way you live yours makes me feel. Hear the names they called me, cry yourself to sleep, hide it from everyone, even your parents. Why don't you walk in my shoes for a while. And then tell me the things I've heard before. You try being me. You wouldn't last a day.

Again, I mean no disrespect, and your concern is appreciated to an extent, and this will be the last time you hear from me.

I am going to leave you with a few names I invite you to google, to see what people like you, do to people like me.

Charles Howard, Harvey Milk, Tyler Clementi,Seth Walsh, Asher Brown, Billy Lucas, Cody Barker, and many countless others. These are a few of the people who hve either lost their lives, or taken their own, because of People Like You. You may not have caused anyone to kill themselves, but your actions are disgusting to me.


Goodbye Lisa, Please do not contact me, or my family on this matter. I have said all that I will ever have to say to you.

I am the love that dare not speak it's name.

I'm a lesbian. I like girls, I am engaged to one. I have been open with my sexual orientation for about 3.5 years now. So things like this, really irritate me. Your telling me who i love is wrong, the way i live my life is a sin, well then, don't be part of it. How can you tell me that your life is full of love, from the man that you call Jesus, if your living your life so full of hate? How dare you lecture me for being happy. I got this message on facebook today, and it realllyyyyyy pissed me off.






Bailey, How do I express my deep love for you without it causing u to block me? I would be negligent if remained silent! I'm being discreet so not embarrass u. Just give 5 minutes to hear me out...
I am concerned about your relationship with Jesus. I am observing a lot of mixed messages coming from u these days.Why r u masquerading as a unbeliever?? What is going on? Innuendos/shirts/jokes about homosexuality( r u experimenting/exploring this..?)Don't believe the lie..It is sin that needs to be repented of. You have legitimate desires for love and affection but it will never satisfy until it is fulfilled in God honored ways! Woundedness and brokenness can confuse us. I know u have had your share!!! Let's talk. Drunkenness? Drinking parties?Setting the example for Jessie? UTube? Your influence? Girl have u surrendered portions of your will, emotions and mind to pagan ways? Do u want help? u know who rules the Pagans. It will only get worse if u continue on this path! Love covers a multitude of sin. Jesus is willing to walk u through transformation if you are seeking it. Worldly sorrow leads to death, a godly sorrow will lead to repentance.

1 Peter 4:1-8
4:1 Since Christ suffered and underwent pain, you must have the same attitude he did; you must be ready to suffer, too. For remember, when your body suffers, sin loses its power, and you won't be spending the rest of your life chasing after evil desires but will be anxious to do the will of God. You have had enough in the past of the evil things the sensuality, lusts, drunkenness, carousals, drinking parties and abominable idolatries and other terrible sins.

Of course, your former friends will be very surprised when you don't eagerly join them anymore in the wicked things they do, and they will laugh at you in contempt and scorn. But just remember that they must face the Judge of all, living and dead; they will be punished for the way they have lived. That is why the Good News was preached ...

Please Call me if u want to talk or pray or be delivered from this confusion....I know u love Jesus!! He loves u too!

Please.

Tonight, my grandpa was admitted to hospice. He has late stage dementia, and right now, they think he has pneumonia.
He has been up and down with his health, and mental stability, we all know he wont be here for much longer, and we all know he wont make a miraculous recovery... No, that only happens in the movies. I used to think the only reason he was still here was because he was waiting for my mom to tell him it was okay to go. That she would be okay. I used to think he just needed to hear her say it.
Three week ago, when we went to see him after church, he wasnt in his chair in the living room. His caretaker had him on bedrest, so i went back to see him, by myself (Which i almost never do.) When i walked in he smiled, and said his usual "Your a pain in my ass, Charlie" bits. But when i sat down next to him and started making small talk, he reached for my hand, and when he held it he said "I dont know if i can stay much longer for you, sweets." He called me by my old nickname. Maybe it was just something he said, but deep down, i believe he really was talking to ME, on purpose. After he said that, he looked out his window, and i had to get out of there, because i realized he wasnt waiting on my mom. My mom had already said its okay, I was there when she said it. I realized, he's been waiting for me.
He was my best friend, he was the one person i called when i needed to get away. And God, my stomach dropped when he called me Sweets. I realized, i wasnt ready to say goodbye to him. I still need him. I dont know if i can say goodbye, but now i know that he needs to me to say goodbye as much as i need him to call me Sweets again. I miss him, i love him. And i believe im the one keeping him here. So now, i have to save him, because he saved me.

Dear papa, it's okay. I'll be okay. I love you.
~Sweets.

tattoo

I'm getting a tattoo, in a few months/weeks... whenever i get the money. I'm getting a quote, on the inside of my arm. It's something my grandpa used to tell me, when he would come get me if dad&me were fighting. I spent my summers with my grandparents because i couldnt stand being home. I miss my grandpa. He hasn't gone anywhere, he's in Phx. But he has late stage dimentia, and he doesn't even remember my name. I know it's not his choice, and i know he loves me... But i just wish, that one day instead of him saying "Hey charlie" it'd be, "Hey bay". When he would pick me up, and i'd tell him about the things my dad did, and the things he called me, he would hold my hande and say "Sweets, it's not what they call you, it's what you stand up to." That saved my life. The most important man in my life saved my life. I cant wait to get that quote on my arm, so i'll remember how much he did for me.

I miss you.

I went to church today, and the band played a song that actually, made me cry. I cry every once in a while at church, im not sure if its the actual sermons, or the things on my mind at the time. But its a space where i can cry in front of people, and show them me, at my weakest point, and none of them ask whats wrong. They all just assume that "Im getting closer to God"
The song was "Alive Again" By Matt Maher. I've heard this song almost every sunday. The band always plays it. But for some reason, today, i wanted to feel what Matt felt when he wrote it.
I wake up in darkness, and to reality losing its grip on me, but noone saves me from it, like they saved Matt.
Basically, i miss the relationship i used to have with God. If you knew me 2nd-9th grade, i probably preached to you at some point. Because i was a strong believer. And i pushed my views on everyone who would listen. I was even going to go to school to become a youth minister. I was secure in my faith.
Or So I Thought.
I went through some personal conflicts that diminsihed my relationship to God. And this song, brought al of that crashing down on me today. But i'm not too sure on how to get it back. I'm not entirely sure that i want it all back. I like who i am, but the person i used to be, would hate who i am now. Maybe i'll start fighting harder, and asking, BEGGING for forgiveness. Or maybe, i wont. Depends on what shit he throws at me. But despite it all, I love him, with everything i have, and everything i am. And i pray everynight that that'll be enough.



I woke up in darkness
Surrounded by silence
Oh where, oh where have I gone?
I woke to reality Losing its grip on me

Oh where, where have I gone?
'Cause I can see the light
Before I see the sunrise
You called and You shouted

Broke through my deafness
Now I'm breathing in and breathing out
I'm alive again
You shattered my darkness

Washed away my blindness
Now I'm breathing in and breathing out
I'm alive again
Late have I loved You
You waited for me, I searched for You

What took me so long?
I was looking outside
As if Love would ever want to hide
I'm finding I was wrong

'Cause I feel the wind
Before it hits my skin
'Cause I want You,
Yes I want You I need You, and I'll do

Whatever I have to just to get through
'Cause I love You,
Yeah I love You

What makes ur love different?

What makes your definition of love soooo much more important than mine? Why is wrong for me to love, her, instead of , Him? With all the scandlas in 'traditional marriages' Why cant we just give something untraditional a shot?
Ohhhh thats right, i forgot, The bible says its wrong.
ALL the bible says is that its an abomination. Right?
"Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination" (Leviticus 18:22, KJV).
When the term ‘abomination’ is used in the Bible, it is used to address a ritual wrong. It is never used to refer to something innately immoral” (For the Bible Tells Me So). So you tell me, whats so different? And if your gonna use The Bible to back it up, go preach to someone who believes in it. You might get somewhere.

Toomuch/notenough

I get the feeling that i should have done more during high school.
But then i get the feeling that i dont care.
I also get the feeling that Im so far away from who i want to be.
I've lost alot, and gained just as much,
And yet,, i still feel something missing.
Something just isnt here.
I dont know where to find it, or even
How to start looking.
I dont know what im looking for.
Everyday your not here, the emptiness i feel
gets more and more apparent.
And sometimes i wonder if i mean as much to you
As you mean to me.
Those words you tell, too much,
Might be starting to lose their meaning.
I dont want to sit here and watch you fly,
But i will.
I will.

1,761.51 everyday.

your a thousand miles away and everyday
this gets harder.
everyday i miss you more.
and everyday we grow apart.
everyday i wish you were closer so i could see you.
and everyday this kills me inside a little bit more.
everyday i close myself away from my friends.
everyday im scared of what will happen to me and you.
You tell me we're strong enough for this, and "We" are but i might not be.
i dont know how much more of this i can take
everyday i lose a little bit more of myself.
everyday i cry a little harder.
everyday a little more time goes by.
i regret not spending all of the time i had with you.
we're 1,761.51 miles away from each other.
but sometimes i can feel you next to me,
and that hurts a million times more.
sometimes i hate you for doing this to us, to me.
but i understand why you did.
i wonder what will happen if i continue to cry everyday...
will i run out of tears?
will i become completely numb?
am i already numb?
i miss you everyday, i love you everyday,
and everyday we become two seperate people. Will you still love me when im not the same person you fell in love with?
Because honestly, everyday i become someone different.
Someone colder, someone who doesnt care,
someone who the old me would avoid.
how can i ask you to love that?
your 1,761.51 miles away and you have no idea whats happening to me here.

Honor

So what happened to honor? Where did it go? When did we loose it?

What happened to the days when someones handshake was enough?

Where did it all go?

Is it just honor that went away, or was it trust too? Can you even trust anyone anymore? Does trust even exist?

When did we loose the trust we used to have for one another?

Remember when people used to say "i give you my word"?

Now if someone would say that, we would need a hell of a lot more collateral that just 'your word'

because honestly, 'your word' means zip now.

Ha What happened to the days when people cared about their reputation?

About their family name...

Where did it all go?

because its so far gone now,

we'll never get that trust back.